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WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show!" the television show that dares to ask, "is there anything else on t.V.?" and now here he is, your host by choice, my uncle by birth, red green! All right, thank you. Boy, oh, boy. Welcome to possum lodge. Big, big, big week up at the lodge this week, I tell you. The kind of thing that happens maybe twice in a lifetime. Harold, do you think I should tell them, or do you think I should sort of build the suspense like they do on those big cheesy network shows? No, no, no, you tell them now. Tell them now because this is big; this is huge! This is big and huge. I don't think we could sit on this much longer. Harold, I don't think you should sit on anything right now. Can I give them a clue? Let me give them a clue. Okay, I'm going to give you a clue. Tom hanks, tom cruise, sandra bullock. What are you talking about, harold? I'm talking about a big movie star buying a cottage right here at possum lake. What are you talking about? Bruno's butcher shop. What? He's got a new bacon slicer. His old bacon slicer got pregnant and moved to port asbestos. So bruno has replaced her with an automated unit. I'm determined to get the number one side of bacon when I go up there. What about tom hanks and tom cruise and sandra bullock? Well, they might be number one at the box office, but they'll be number two at bruno's. ôôô here are a few scenes from this week's show, and these are all fresh goodies. But none of this stuff has ever been seen before on television. You know, I'm guessing there's probably a pretty good reason for that. Well, for once, publicity and hype was not just exaggeration. Bruno's bacon slicer is incredible. You know what, harold? It also shaves ham. Yeah, we can buy shaved ham now, which is good 'cause the ham that bruno was selling had hair on it. Uncle red, nobody really cares about a bacon slicer. Oh, yeah? Well, how come everybody and their cousin is up there in the butcher shop? They're not there for the bacon slicer. That's the overflow from the real estate agency next door. Yeah, nobody cares about how well you can slice bacon or shave ham. Really? Yeah! What a world! It's been fantastic. A movie star right up here. You know what happened? You know that cottage that kevin black built up on bluff's point? Oh, yeah. A hollywood star bought it. Hollywood? Like, hollywood? Yeah, as in frederick's of... Wow! It's fantastic. A hollywood star right here in possum lake. And the rumour is it's like tom hanks or tom cruise or sandra bullock. Oh, harold, come on, relax. They're just people, okay? Movie stars are no different than anybody else. I don't know why everybody has to treat them special. Like, if sandra bullock comes up to you on the street, what would you do, harold? Oh! Well -- (speaking gibberish) girl, me boy. And she... See? That's good. You just be yourself. Ô oh, she worked at the local library ô ô so we had never met ô ô but I was out walking it started to rain ô ô I'd rather be bored than wet ô ô so I ducked inside the library door ô ô and saw her stamping some books ô ô my decimals all got dewey when she gave me that literary look ô ô oh, I pretended I liked reading books ô ô as I asked her to the dance ô ô she classified me as fiction ô ô and then later this moved to romance ô ô you can't judge a book by its cover ô ô that librarian had me astounded ô ô she had both brains and beauty ô ô not just well-read, but well-rounded ô ô love is hard to read ô ô and librarians are often fickle ô ô I returned her home ten minutes late ô ô and she had the nerve to fine me a nickel ô it's the possum lodge word game. And we're playing for a very special prize tonight. Can you say million dollar amethyst? Well, now you'll be able to spell it too with this brand new dictionary from staples n' such. Uncle red. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Mike hamar, today's contestant, to say this word. Baby. Baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 seconds... Go! All right, mike, when a woman is pregnant, she's expecting her -- social worker. Okay. No. No. Okay. She's a mother. She has a -- problem. Come on. Okay. Finish this song, okay? Ô yes, sir, that's my -- ô story. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. When a person is very young, they talk, then they walk, they're a -- oh, a stooly. No. Okay. Think a little person, cries in the night. You go over to comfort them. Bring them a bottle. My cellmate. Almost out of time, uncle red. Okay. Okay. When you were young you were -- shooting craps. Yeah, yeah, and what did you yell? Come on, baby! There we go. Isn't she a beauty? You know, there's only two things that come into your life once... True love and a good used police car. Oh, sure she might have 700,000 miles on her, but it's all highway high-speed car chases, so you've got no carbon buildup in there. Unfortunately, now, there are some people who don't see the value in owning a secondhand car full of bullet holes. They don't appreciate the history, the excitement, the odour of the backseat. So today on handyman corner, I thought I'd show you how to turn your police car into something your family actually doesn't mind riding around in. We'll start by cleaning the inside out a little bit. There that's got most of it. By golly, there were a fair number of coffee cups and doughnut boxes in there. You know, this is going to be such a thrill for the lodge members. Not so much riding in a police car, but being in the front seat for a change. Now, there is one downside here. The law requires these guys got to take the siren off there and chuck that away. But they leave the wiring on there. So what you need is to get yourself a speaker -- maybe you got one of these in your attic or get one at a yard sale, or maybe go down to your local watering hole and pork one when the band is on their break -- and you want to attach the speaker to the roof rack, using the handyman secret weapon, duct tape. All right. Once you get the speaker wired up, you can really start to have some fun. Hey, jerk, pull over! Get out of the vehicle. Spread 'em! No, not those. All right. Sing something irish. But, you know, for the big fun, you've got to get yourself a siren. See what this is here? This is one of these little dolls, and when you squeeze it, it cries. You'll have to go out and buy one of these. If you already have one, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. (baby crying) that will whip you through traffic. That could be a real lifesaver when you realize that chocolate bar was actually a laxative. And you know what you can do? You can actually wedge the doll and the microphone under the gas pedal, and then when you floor it, the siren will go on automatically. There are a few other features you get with a cop car. For example, in the trunk there, you've got the gun rack. What a great place to carry all of your garden tools. Then if you get some of this police tape, super for marking off your picnic area. And you can play that great party game where everybody lies down and you draw around them with chalk. Then if you're lucky enough to get yourself a couple of body bags, make great ponchos for the kids. And speaking of kids, this unit is ideal for families because with the built-in divider there, they can't get at you. And see, on the inside of the back door there, there's no door handle. There's no window winder, so she's extra safe. And you don't have to worry about the kids doing damage back here. This backseat has seen five years of felons, and they can jump around all they want. Oh, boy! Now, you know what people say to me? What do you do about the weird paint job? And I always say... Nothing. Looks fine to me, but if you happen to be a whiner, you can change the design real cheap with a roll of white adhesive tape and black electrical tape. Is it a mustang? Is it a colt? Nope, it's a zebra. And with all of these stripes on here, you look more like a convict than a cop which lets your friends know you're still one of them. So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. You know, I'm feeling hungry, and I think it's an emergency. (baby crying) I want to talk to you older fellers out there. You know who you are. You guys who used to make split decisions about buying or selling, hiring or firing. Now it takes you ten minutes to figure out whether to pay by cash or credit card. Don't worry, you're not losing your mind! This sudden inability to make decisions is actually kind of a safety mechanism, 'cause your mind doesn't want to make commitments that your body can't keep. When you were 21, and your body said, "race you to the corner," you wouldn't hesitate. Now your mind forces you to, so you don't have to be picking up pieces of your hamstring on the way back. So if you find yourself at the hardware store well into the second hour of deciding whether to buy an electric lawn mower or a gas unit, hey, let your son make the choice. It's only fair. He's the one that will be pushing it! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if it is sandra bullock who bought that property up there, I'm just going to go up and see if she needs a personal masseuse. Or maybe, you know, just a guy to stare at her. I could do that. Harold, harold, I found out who bought the big cottage. You're not going to believe it. Hold on. Hold on. My uncle found out who bought the big cottage. Hold on. Was it sandra bullock? No, no, no, think really, really famous. Sharon stone? Oh, the spice girls. Madonna. No, no, no. Think not a woman. Rue paul. A great actor. Tom hanks. Tom cruise! No, somebody I think is a great actor. Oh, tom arnold. No! Flipper. Yosemite sam. Stop! I will tell you who it is. Okay. Werner klemperer. Werner klemperer right here, harold. Wow! It's werner klimpner. Werner klimpner bought a cottage right here! I don't know. I'll ask him. Who is he? Oh, harold, you know colonel klink. You know. Hogan! Nobody escapes from stalag 13. Boy, the guys are going to go nuts. Werner klemperer right here. I've got to go tell them. This is the biggest thing since hugh beaumont went fishing in mercury creek. Doing a little golf. Well, actually, the driving range thing for adventures with bill today. Beautiful, beautiful day. Oh, oh, oh. By golly. Should have brought my steel-toed golf shoes. Easy now. With the golfer, you get out -- oh, boy, bill has a lot of balls. You get out in the golf range there, and you know you enjoy the weather and -- oh, for gosh sakes. Still hasn't fixed the hole in that pocket, obviously. Can we start now, bill? Oh, oh, oh! Oh! For you youngsters out there, chew your food. All right? Oh, no, here he goes with his tricks. Oh, man. I think bill really wanted to be a vaudeville performer with his little magic act and everything. This is his first performance, I believe. And there's his first review. All right. So we've gone up to the driving range and put the balls up there. That looks kind of neat like synchronized swimming, except without the nose plugs. Oh. Oh, easy. Easy. How is that leather hip working out? There you go. Hit a beauty. Oh, look at that, 200 yards if you're metric, that's as far as whatever 200 yards is. Okay. And then, bill -- let her go there, bill. Boy, oh, boy. Like I say, it's a beautiful day. And I guess you're done for the day, are you, bill? Oh, no. No, don't worry. It was a rental. All right, let her go. Nice shot. Oh, that's a beauty. Behind you, bill. Oh, he's got an idea. Oh. If he hits the other way -- okay, going to hit it the other way, and then it will come back and go forward. You might want to move the bucket of balls. You might want to move that bucket. He didn't. Oh! Thank you very much, bill. Beautiful day. Beautiful day out. Don't let it bother you. Don't let it bother you. You've got to relax in golf. You've got to stay within yourself. Another beauty. Nothing to this game. Hit the tree! Oh! By golly. Fore! Head. Fore head. I love the game, really. Oh, now he's challenging me. Oh, I see, accuracy. Accuracy, not just distance. What's so funny? I don't get that. Oh, well. I can hit the tree. Watch this. I'll nail this puppy. Here we go. There we go. Oh! Oh, I see. I don't know what he had in mind there. All right. Now bill wants me to do it again. Oh, a different tree. Different tree. Yeah, sure, I can do that. I don't get this. Oh, oh, he's going to put the helmet on. Oh, okay. Well, I'll really get it then. Oh, gosh. John daley. Oh, off the van. Oh, well. Oh, my goodness. Oh, well, bill, you can adopt. All right, it's started! Colonel klink has been -- sorry, werner klemperer has been spotted up at his new property there. You see, all the guys are up there hiding in the bushes. Got the binoculars, the telescopes there. Junior singleton, he said colonel klink looks exactly the same as he did on "hogan's heroes," except he's a lot older and doesn't have the nazi's uniform on. You know, uncle red, I don't think he wants to be disturbed. He's got no trespassing signs and big high fences and electrical alarm system and guard dogs. Harold, he just wants the place to look like stalag 13, so everybody will know where he lives. That's all. You want to come up with us? No! Anybody who did one t.V. Series long before I was born is no celebrity to me. Well, harold, he might have some friends that you like. Maybe bruce willis might be up there or clint eastwood, maybe arnold schwarzenegger. Or sandra bullock? Sure! Okay. I'm coming. Hang on. Okay. I'm ready. I'm ready. Whoa. Whoa. He won't autograph all that many pieces of paper. Autograph! You're so naive. You're like the naivest of the naive. This is my screenplay. I'm going to show it to him. "harold in bikini land." it's a romantic comedy. Could be my big break. Sandra bullock's too! I want to talk to you younger viewers who are still in your teens and still have a chance to save your life. You hear a lot of kids today saying they want to be famous. Now, I'm not a career counselor or anything, but that sounds like a goal that's dangerously vague. There's a guy who is famous now, even got his picture in the guinness book of world records because he weighs over a thousand pounds. I'm guessing when he was 15 and said some day I'm going to be famous, he wasn't picturing himself spread over a couch with a chin the size of a pillow. Actually, most people that are famous are truly infamous. You look down through the famous people in history. You've got a lot of dictators and desk pots in there. And even the well-known athletes now are usually famous for some scandal involving steroids or fists or lingerie. I tell you something, fame is not an honourable goal. You've got to aim a little higher. Go for the money. Welcome to this week's installment of men's anonymous. As usual, at this time, I'd like to invite my uncle red up here to lead us all in the men anonymous pledge. Uncle red. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to, I guess. Okay. To start us off this week, I have an old friend that hasn't been at the lodge in 17 years. Hi, everybody. My name is ranger gord. Wait. Ho, hey, no last names. Hi, everybody. My name is ranger. As you know, I've spent the last 18 years up at fire watchtower 13 looking out for fires. Until, of course, I ate the tower. During that time, I did something that I'm very ashamed of, especially during my last few years. You see, being up there alone for as long as I've been, without any visitors -- well, except, of course, for you, red. I do thank you for that. It was great. I mean, they were really, really helpful. But let's be honest, red. You're not a woman. You're not. You never were, and that's nobody's fault. The thing is, when I was up there, I made a vow to be true to my dream girl, julie kotter. Gabe kotter's wife from "welcome back kotter," the hit t.V. Show. Oh, I wanted to be her sweat hog, I tell you. I mean, she was my dream girl, you know. Anyway, one night, and I'm -- I'm not very proud of this. One night, I had a dream about marcia brady. And then night after night, it was marcia, marcia, marcia. And then I get back here -- I get back here and I see that marcia brady is incredibly famous and julie kotter is gone! She's gone, not even doing dinner theatre. And naturally I blame myself because I dreamt about marcia, not just julie. I can't help thinking it's all my fault! I ruined julie's life! Let's show a little bit of support, guys. (applause) I love you guys. Well, possum lake is no longer hollywood north. Werner klemperer is gone! Oh, god, no one escapes from possum lake. How was that? I know! I know! I guess there's just not enough excitement up here for a big star, harold. Excitement? That's what he came up here for is to get away from the excitement. You guys ruined it for him. Oh, how did we ruin it? By asking for his autograph. Well, big stars are used to -- when he was in the shower. Asking him how come he didn't do any good work after "hogan's heroes." are you really a nazi in real life? Everybody stealing bits of chrome off his car for souvenirs. Harold, we were just trying to show him that he was one of us. I even said that to him, "you're one of us." that hurt him deeply. You could see that. You know, you're the one who made him angry, harold. Me? Yeah, asked him if he knew sandra bullock, or if he could get you a date with her -- or with anyone. (possum call) well, it's meeting time, uncle red. I'm going to go and tell the guys that werner klemperer has left. All right. Unless you want to do it. I know nothing! Yeah, I know, but do you want to tell the guys -- if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I'm going to bring you some sliced bacon. But if you're looking for some shaved ham, I'm sorry, the beard stays. For the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. performed by caption resource center the vest. Okay. Everybody sit down. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Okay. We've got some announcements. This is first announcement. Tyler and tyler insurance brokers want to remind everyone that due to the extensive fire damage, they will not be able to handle all of your insurance needs until they find a new location and somebody to insure it. Tyler and tyler insurance, and their new slogan is, hey, it can happen.